Patriarchy and Gender Equality

Every country, including both the US and South Africa,grapples consistently with the big societal questions: Who are we? What do we believe? How do we believe society (read: social hierarchy) should be organized?

The US is experiencing these questions within issues such as: equal pay for woman, paternity benefits for men, marriage equality, social stigmas for stay-at-home and for working parents, changing (or clinging to) gender norms, the list goes on…

Although the specifics may be a bit different (for example, same-sex marriages have been recognized in SA for 8 years), South Africa is experiencing a similar push-and-pull between traditional and changing cultural values and gender norms. 

Traditional Roles:

This week, several Zulu men and women have been teaching us about their cultural expectations regarding dating, marriage, and gender roles. For example, traditionally,…

•  A man would pay “lobola” (similar to a dowry) to the wife’s family. This signifies his commitment to her and her family and thanks them for raising such a marry-able woman. Our host mom was surprised that Joe got to marry me “for free!” Further, when the woman goes to live with the man, the woman’s parents lose a laborer.  The lobola signifies a compensation for the loss of her services.
• A woman must listen to the wishes of the husband, including whether she is allowed to work outside of the home.
• A man is expected to persistently pursue a woman. If she pursues him at all, she is too forward. In fact, she is expected to “play hard to get” even if she is interested.
• The woman is expected to do all of the indoor chores (cooking, cleaning, child-rearing) around the house (sometimes, even if the husband has no outside job). This is especially drastic, since most homes are swept and mopped at least every day.
• A man might be encouraged to take multiple wives in order to grow the family name, though this practice is dwindling.
• Gender nonconformity and homosexuality are not socially accepted. To be “out” as trans* or queer may be a risk to your relationships or even your safety.
• Particularly in rural areas, these roles are generally embraced by both men and women. The most common remark I have heard has been, “Why fix it if it isn’t broken?”

I highlight this last sentiment as a gut-check for those of us (myself included) who experience a knee-jerk reaction to this description. This rural community, in general, is not seeking to revolutionize their gender expectations.

It is notable that the only desire for change that I have heard is from men/women wishing to have more involved in the other’s chores (ex: my host brother loves taking care of the baby in the house, a woman disliking to clean, a young boy wanting to learn to cook). To this end, Joe’s desire to cook and hand wash his own clothes garners much interest from the community. :)

Changing Social Norms:

It has been interesting to juxtapose our traditional experiences with popular culture (TV, music, etc) and the social movements I see on the South African news channels. We witnessed the following elements in one night ALONE:

• A protest seeking to provide resources to survivors of rape and sexual assault. Importantly, interviewees were connecting the prevalence of rape to patriarchal values.
• A video clip of a gay pride event.
• A protest seeking to de-stigmatize public breast-feeding. (it was sort of like a breast-feeding flash mob/sit in from what I could gather)
• Non-hetero and trans* characters on a handful of the most popular TV shows (though, admittedly, still portrayed in negative, comical, or stigmatized roles).

As I mentioned, South Africa does have more legal protections and rights for people who are gay or queer.  My host family is shocked to learn that there are places in the US where someone who is gay could lose their job or be denied services because of their sexual identity.

The social tension between traditional and progressive values is very real in both of our countries. It seems, to me, that it will remain in tension for the entirety of each nation’s future.

Quote from Apartheid Museum

...In the meantime, Joe and I will strive to live as authentically and respectfully as we are able to in this country. Although we will likely feel a bit raw from bumping up against gender expectations on occasion, it is NOT our place to impose our ideals and values onto our SA friends and family. We are guests within this culture.

And in those raw moments, we will lean on our family and friends to help us heal and remind us that we can be as revolutionary as we would like to be—but only once we are back within our own culture. ;) :)

Sanibonani, abangani. (I see the humanity in you, friends, do you see it in me?)