Michelle's 1-Year Reflection: A Father's Advice

"Over time the novelty of the experience wears off and one day becomes just like the last, new news becomes less apparent as life finds its routine. 

I hope it doesn't happen too fast, and that each day you find something of a surprise.  Resist the mundane and find magic in each moment."
- David Harper, my daddy, August 7, 2014

The Harper clan in front of the Berlin Wall, 1990

A Little Nostalgic Context
If anyone could offer advice on how to adapt to life (as an adult) in a new country, it would be my mom and dad. We spent a lot of our life moving from culture to culture and place to place. In each place, they made an effort to learn the history and culture. My mom took German lessons from a neighbour friend and kept in touch with them for years. My dad is the perpetual explorer, seeking new information and history at each stop. Add a little revelry and that's a perfect snapshot of their life together. 

As their child, I learned how to take advantage of cultural exchanges in our community. I went to an all-German-zero-English kindergarten. My brother took French immersion classes. We would visit our neighbour's farm in England and "help" them with their lambs (I say "help" because it was more "watch" or "get in the way" than helping). 

I also remember going on infinite car trips, because they taught us (and I still believe this is true) that you cannot know a country until you SEE the country, explore its history, and meet its people. By 5 years old, I was an old pro at car games: license plates, the alphabet game, and "cows" (a game I'm pretty sure my parents made up when we were too far off the grid to see any signs, cars, or people. The goal is literally to count the cows that you see before anyone else does... riveting, I know, but we were seriously competitive).

I say ALL of this to say: when my parents give me advice for moving to a new place, I take it to heart.

"One day,  the novelty of the experience wears off... and life finds its routine."

I am blessed that my "routine" includes spending time with these ladies.

When we first arrived in country, our senses were overwhelmed with all of the new sites and sounds (which is totally justified because South Africa is a truly beautiful country). My thoughts were preoccupied with how to improve my bucket bathing techniques, the proper way to greet a person, and reading between the cultural lines to interpret what was happening but not being said.
At first, it was intoxicating. Then, exhausting. Now... well, now it feels just "normal."

I didn't really notice this "normalness" until very recently. We have been travelling and preparing for the next cohort of volunteers, so a lot of people have been asking, "What's it like to live in a village?" And I realized that I get a bit surprised by their asking... so my response is something like, "It's great! My school is supportive. My family is awesome. The place is beautiful. We have a dog..." and I quickly run out of things to say. I have to REMIND myself that they really want to hear about "village living" (water and electricity access, transportation, cultural exchange), so I add those in as, somewhat, after thoughts.

In 2011, when people asked us about what it was like to be in Tacoma, I would never have thought to say, "well, we have indoor plumbing, electricity 100% of the time..." I didn't think about it at all because, at that point it was my normal. (I'm laughing at my future self who will move back to the US and will be fully overwhelmed by these things that used to simply be normal, but I digress... ).

These are signs that the novelty of village living has worn off for me. I feel some shame in admitting it,  but, to be honest, I think it is a good thing in many ways.

First, "intoxication" and "exhaustion" are, for me, not adjectives for a sustainable, healthy way of living. Adjusting to village life is an emotional roller coaster. My heart is happy to have found some solid ground.

The second point is still a bit rough around the edges, because I am unpacking it just now... Now that it feels more routine, it also feels more authentic. I used to feel so uncomfortable with aspects of village life/cultural each that I found myself in my head a lot. I would focus on every word coming out of a person's mouth plus the spaces between each word. It took energy. I didn't feel present. It was hard.

This "new normal" is allowing me more space to share my authentic self. I feel connected. I feel relief. In other ways, I want to sit with what else might be lost when I lose this novelty. Wonderment? Have I lost any gratitude? Or awe? These are things I will be more intentional in considering as I am at my site.

So... "the novelty will wear off and you will find routine? " Yup. Truth. Check... 

"I hope each day you find something of a surprise."

Mopane worms, a type of caterpillar, are a common snack in the springtime.

Yes! Also true!
I am always reflecting on the small moments that have made me chuckle and think, "well, this is South Africa." Days when:

• Your colleagues offer you caterpillar (see photo above), cow intestines, or goat's tongue for lunch. 
• Your students sing your favourite prayer song BECAUSE they know it is your favourite prayer song. 
• Your learners do something to touch your heart and amaze you, such as, bringing their own ideas to manage the library, teaching each other the things you have taught them, or strutting in some new-found confidence that they wear like a comfortable, worn-in shoe. 
• The one million tiny, unexpected,  acts of kindness that warrant a moment for pause and gratitude.

If you blink, you can miss these everyday beauties and small surprises. I want to be more intentional to share these things with those of you at home, because these are the connection points that build the fabric of this experience for me (us).

"Resist the mundane and find magic in each moment."

Joe captured this sunrise on his way to school one morning. Beautiful...

This was my daddy's main charge. This is the piece that I want to carry forward into my second year. 
Resist the mundane. Seek magic.

To me, that means, to pause. Celebrate. Be present. Look around you. Find beauty. Giggle. Ask questions. Go deeper. When I feel like I am in comfortable depths, then I should go deeper again.

All in all, I can say that, even after 29 years of "wisdom" and a full year's Peace Corps experience (dad, get ready to take a screenshot to commemorate the time and date), a father's advice still holds water.

And, just to lay it on thick because I love you and you are so far away...

Dad, you were right.

_____________________________
Tell us what you think:
- How do you find magic in each moment?
- How do you resist the mundane?
- How do you "go deeper" once you have started to feel comfortable?

Advice to Couples During PST

In South Africa, there are two waves of arrivals per year. One wave is in July, when the Education volunteers, like us, come into the country. The other time is in January, when the Health volunteers arrive.

The SA31 Health volunteers have just arrived and started their 10-week Pre-Service Training (PST). If you remember from our earlier blog posts, PST is a pretty intensive experience. Emotions are high; schedules are packed. Volunteers are tired, homesick and possibly legitimately sick from the jetlag and new diet. Anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows that these conditions create the “perfect storm” for arguments and strife.

We’d like to take a moment and send a message from the other side of PST, to give some advice, and to remind you that life will even-out soon.

Couples Survival Guide to PST

1- Sit with Other People at Meals and in Sessions.
This sounds like I am talking about a middle school cafeteria, but trust me on this one. The benefit is two-fold. One, Peace Corps and your cohort-mates might have a tendency to treat you and your partner as a single unit (one cell phone to share when other volunteers get their own, approaching one person to speak for the unit, enforcing gender roles that they do not reinforce with single volunteers). This small act of branching out serves as a reminder of your individuality. In my case, it sometimes felt like my subtle act of defiance…and it made me smile.

The second reason is more interpersonal. Other volunteers have approached each of us to show appreciation for our individual and separate efforts to get to know our colleagues. We are building our own relationships. As a result, we each have our own support network that we can tap into. It is very dangerous to have your partner be your ONLY support in-country. We don’t have to lean as much on each other all the time, which allows us the space to better take care of ourselves and each other. Just trust me, sit at separate lunch tables…

2- Find Time to Process with One Another.
Away from meals and sessions, there is plenty of time where you two can make excuses to be alone together and check in. Go to your room a little early in the evening. Go for a walk after sessions. Take tea time together (side note: I don’t know if this is just in South Africa or if it is a PC global practice, but we had an inordinate amount of “tea times” during our training... these were handy for sneaking a few minutes of alone time with each other to check in). Especially during stressful days or triggering sessions, it is important to stay tuned in to how the other is feeling.

3- Put Aside Your Pride.
There are going to be a lot of opportunities for your pride to get in your own way. Peace Corps service is ripe with moments of vulnerability: stumbling to navigate a new culture (and invariably making mistakes along the way), going to sessions with a clump of greasy hair because you are still figuring out how to bathe in a bucket, getting back test results on everything from language acquisition to skills readiness and trying desperately not to compare your scores. Vulnerability can cause us to puff up our pride and put on our protective armor as a defense mechanism. This can drive a wedge in your relationship and make being in-country incredibly difficult. There were two important reminders that helped us get through these vulnerable/proud moments.

The first is to find a way to take care of yourself when you are feeling vulnerable. This will look different for different people. When I feel vulnerable and proud, I know I need to draw, color, read or journal. During PST, I would go to my room, do one of these things, and get myself in a better place. Joe likes to run, read, or journal to process through his thoughts and feelings if talking isn’t an option. Once I was able to put aside my pride and feeling less vulnerable, I was better able to engage with Joe (and our host family).

The other, perhaps more important, reminder is that you must support each other through both the lows AND the highs. You must find your empathy to celebrate each other’s successes. Nothing can make you feel lonelier than when you have exciting news but you feel like you cannot share it with your partner. The flip side is also true… when you are riding high and the other is not, make the time to slow down, listen, and show love.

4- Have an Open and Continuous Dialogue About Gender Roles
(Of course you can’t have two student affairs professionals give advice and NOT include something about “intentional dialogue” and “social dynamics.” Tip of the hat to SHorner, who I know is lovingly mocking me at this very moment.)

Ahhh… gender roles. Each relationship has its own norms for behavior, chores, and communication. In our case, our norms were influenced by our US context, our shared passion for gender equity, and our personal skills and preferences. Each couple finds a way to make it work… and then you are shipped off to another country and you need to renegotiate/renavigate new waters.

In Zulu culture, there are specific, prescribed gender roles. Women cook; men eat. Men are discouraged from showing affection towards children. Women are expected to play hard-to-get. Men are the head of the household and only do yard-related chores. Women must show reverence towards the men in the house.

If Joe and I operated our relationship in this manner, we would both be withdrawn and miserable… we could not merely assimilate and still be healthy together. At the same time, we must make some adjustments in order to remain effective/relatable/respected in this culture. The stakes and values will change based on your village context and personal needs. Having the discussion helps you to stay well, while adjusting to a new place.

My advice is to talk about it openly and often. What are your non-negotiables? What would make you uncomfortable? Where can you be flexible? How will you advocate/educate when someone confronts you about breaking gender norms? Make your own decisions about what feels right.

So, what does this look like for us? Well, Joe continues to bake (*jokes* I continue to eat ;) ). We wash clothes together, in full sight of our family. I bend at the knee ever-so-slightly when I meet a man in official settings. At functions, I wear the “makoti” pinafore and try to cut veggies without chopping off my hand (if you’ve seen the knives, you would understand). We make our decisions jointly. I make no effort to “prepare” the house for him to come home; much to the dismay/concern of my teacher-friends. Sometimes we teach our friends that there is another way of being. Sometimes we humbly take on a new role. We still find ourselves in awkward situations, but we can stay healthy if we talk through it together.

5- Remember Why You Joined the Peace Corps
This is just good advice for all volunteers. Do not lose sight of what motivated you to join the Peace Corps. What were you hoping to learn? What were you hoping to gain? You knew that this would challenge you, what made you want to join anyway? Although you are serving alongside your partner, this is still a very individual, personal journey.

6- Remember Why You Love this Person
Let’s be real. We all have bad days. We all have bad days with our partners. Things happen and we get angry. That’s just life…

Personally, I am someone who needs a lot of time to have an argument. I do not like to “talk it out” until I have calmed down and collected my thoughts. In the interim, I do my fair share of sulking in a sour mood. I cannot tell you how many times these “sour moods” have been interrupted because I look over at Joe and he is: a) talking confidently on a topic we are both passionate about, b) showing a high level of excitement—usually over something deemed rather ordinary—that can only be matched by an elated puppy, or c) being nerdy and curious.

I sigh and think, “He just gets me…” or laugh and think, “He’s so adorable!” It reminds me how blessed I am to have a partner with his unique strengths and interests and how minor our arguments usually are.

I am teaching myself to seek out these moments. To catch him being his best self, if I may.


PST is quite a beast. Just focus on getting through, taking good notes in sessions, and being kind to yourself and each other. Once you get to site, you will have more flexibility, autonomy, and couple-time.

An American at a “Zulu-ized” Western Wedding

The weekend after the school year ended, Michelle and I had the privilege of attending a wedding.  I felt honored to be there, as I have only known the person getting married for about three months.  But that may only be my perspective seeing as how the person getting married was an educator from my school and everyone from school was invited.  It was the respectful thing to do.  Attending the wedding was as much a cultural experience as it was a celebration of the union of two people.

 

A Context:

Taking a step back: Christianity has been in South Africa ever since the arrival of the first Europeans back in the 1600’s.  With Christianity came Western ways of thinking.  In the case of a wedding, that meant the involvement of a pastor, vows, and rings.  Add the advent of TV, Westernization of traditional Zulu wedding accelerated significantly.  There were also some political underpinnings elevating the significance of a Christian/Western wedding.  According to the old, Apartheid government, weddings weren’t official unless they followed this precedence; thus, traditional Zulu weddings weren’t officially recognized during that time. 

Traditionally, in the Zulu culture, when two people get married, the groom’s family presents the bride’s family with something called a lobola.  Lobola is a gift to the family.  Historically, when a woman married, she went to live with the groom and his extended family.  This meant that someone who could complete work around the home in the bride’s family no longer lived with the family and thus could not provide her services.  As a way of offering something in return for the woman’s loss of services, the groom’s family paid lobola.  In the Zulu culture, that meant izinkomo (translated: cows) because they were of great value.  Lobola is still gifted today and cows are still of great value; however, the groom’s family usually gives a gift of cash.

After lobola is given to the bride’s family, the bride’s family visits the groom’s family to perform some songs and dances and present them with presents to show their gratitude.  Historically, presents would include sleeping mats and blankets.  In both families, the bride and groom would pray to their ancestors and ask for their blessing.  After these ceremonies were completed, there would be a grand feast with cow and goat meat.

Keep in mind, historically, the couple’s villages were close together or the couple was from within the same village.  Further, time is more fluid in the Zulu culture than it is in a Western/American culture.

The Wedding:

Getting back to the topic first mentioned above: Michelle and I were invited to a wedding.  Before the ceremony started, the DJ played music to keep people entertained.  What was icing on the wedding cake (sorry, I couldn’t help myself) were the people that started dancing.  Because it was a sunny day, white parasols were provided.  The people held them as they danced, which made the scene look as if puffy clouds were floating by.  

Pre-Ceremony Dancing

The ceremony opened with a processional of the wedding party, including flower girls, page boys, bridesmaids, groomsmen, the groom, and finally the bride.  Following the processional, the ceremony emcee welcomed everyone (yes, there was an emcee).  The overseeing pastor led the ceremony with various readings of the Bible and a sermon.  The bride and groom then exchanged vows, rings, and a kiss.  Before the ceremony closed, a second pastor got up and spoke, offering his own selected readings and sermon. 

The Lovely Bride and Groom

After the ceremony ended, the wedding party exited and the guests were escorted to a hall.  After the guests were seated, the wedding party entered with a line dance, much to the amusement of the wedding party as well as the guests.  Various family members, friends, and coworkers gave speeches and well wishes.  Some performed songs as part of their speech.  My principal was one of the speakers.  When she went up to the stage, she had the educators and I join her in singing a song.  After the speeches were made, the bride tossed her bouquet, the cake was cut, and food was served.

Here’s a brief rundown of the timeline:

Scheduled Timeline	Actual Timeline
9:30am – The time we’re supposed to get picked up	10:00am – The time we actually got picked up
10:00am – The time the Western wedding was supposed to start	1:00pm – The time the wedding actually started
11:00am – The time lunch was supposed to be served	5:00pm – The wedding ceremony was still taking place, but we were encouraged to eat
1:00pm – The time the Zulu wedding was supposed to start	6:00pm – The wedding ceremony just ended; we’re taken home
5:00pm – The time the feast was supposed to start	1:00am (the next day) – The Zulu wedding ended

Cultural Observations:

Now, I know for typical US-Americans, they would have felt at least a little antsy about the time.  In full disclosure, although I have lived in South Africa for five months and know about the Zulu’s concept of time, I felt antsy.  I outline the timeline as one example to highlight one of many cultural differences between Zulus and Americans. 

Another observation was the influence of Western symbols of status on the Zulu culture.  Noting the décor, the details were intricate and decadent.  The fact that there were parasols showed that the bride and groom’s families were willing to pay for them.  The guests also provided a glimpse into the influence by the gifts they brought.  For example, the educators and I gifted some appliances for their kitchen.  I learned from talking with the educators that providing gifts was something new.  Historically, it was common for guests to bring food of some sort to the wedding, but these kinds of gifts were recent additions to the Zulu tradition.

The lengths of the speeches given during the ceremony were of particular note.  In Zulu culture, it’s common for the patriarchs of the family to say a few words during a wedding.  Taking this cultural practice and putting it in a Western context, the result was a wedding that took about six hours.  When I asked some of the guests at the wedding if it was normal for a wedding to last that long, they said no.  But because of the incorporation of a Western wedding, the length has increased. 

It is common for Zulus to complete both wedding ceremonies – Zulu and Christian/Western – if they themselves identify as Christian.  It shows respect to their family and ancestors, the former, as well as respect to their faith, the latter.  In the present case, the couple completed both ceremonies.  Unfortunately, our ride wanted to leave after eating, so Michelle and I weren’t able to able to attend the Zulu portion of the wedding.  I was actually hoping to attend that part because I would have seen something that was more traditionally (and more genuinely) Zulu. 

Reflecting on my experience attending the wedding, I hope that I didn’t place any specific value or worth on what transpired, but, instead, provided a view into the events that transpired.  Even as I write this, I don’t believe it’s possible to keep from being at least a little skewed in my thinking because I know I have my own personal bias and cultural values.  What I can say for sure is that the ceremony was beautiful, the bride and groom couldn’t have looked happier than when they kissed as wife and husband, and the guests seemed to be have a good time (even if they weren’t thrilled about how long things took). 

Over the River and Through the Woods… To the Indian Ocean, We Go!

(Please take note: this post is on the long side. But we’re okay with that because there’s no other way to tell this story; it’s just too good.)

This children’s song couldn’t be more fitting for the adventure we took about a month ago. A few weeks earlier, Michelle and I decided that we wanted to try to walk to the Indian Ocean from our house. When the locals go to the ocean, they spend about an hour in their 4X4 vehicle bouncing down the rutted roads. Although we could probably find someone to drive us there (PCVs are not allowed to operated motor vehicles while at site), we were excited for the opportunity to puzzle out our route and “hamba ngezinyawo” (go walking). We poured over the dinky map on Michelle’s cell phone and dreamed of the journey. We marked our calendars and were determined a day to go.

LEG 1: The Journey Begins…

Our hopes were slightly dampened when we woke to the sound of rain pitter-pattering on our tin roof.  However, I was feeling caged, and the thought of staying in all day was unappealing. I looked at Michelle and I said, “I don’t mind the rain. I just want to get out of the house.” Michelle smiled. With true Pacific-Northwesterner spirit, we quickly got ready, packed our day bags, and pulled up hoods of our rain jackets as we ventured outside.

We decided to retrace a route we took a few weeks prior that would get us to the edge of the third lake in the Kosi Lake system. We chose this route, despite it taking us a little bit out of the way, partially because it was a beautiful resting point and to see if we could remember it, but mostly because Michelle was nervous that we might not make it all the way to the ocean and wanted to take advantage of a guaranteed waterfront view. Although I did not share her concerns, I could see that it would make her smile and obliged the small detour.

Kosi Lake in the Distance

We were pleased to see that we could remember how to get to the lake, but we were surprised to find a few other people there (the last time we were there we had the lake to ourselves). We greeted the people in isiZulu and introduced ourselves. We learned that the people there were guides from a local tourist lodge who were waiting on a couple of clients. The head guide, George, asked what we were doing, so we told him about how we hoped to get to the ocean. He was shocked to hear that we planned to walk there because he said it was going to take a few hours. But he seemed more confident in our abilities (if not even more shocked) to hear that we had walked to the lake from our village, which took about 1.5 hours.

Before leaving them, we asked if he could give us directions from the lake to the ocean. We thought we had a good sense of where we were going, but we couldn’t miss this opportunity to gain better beta. He drew some rough directions in the dirt and gave us a few landmarks to follow. When Michelle and I left him waiting for his clients, he jokingly said he hoped to see us at the beach. As we left the lake, we came across one of George’s partners at the trailhead. He had just arrived with the clients. We exchanged greetings and introductions, and then we told him our plans. This guide was just as amazed as his partner had been. He double-checked to make sure we knew that this would be a long journey. After confirming that we prepared to walk for most of the day, the guide told us to wait for him at the trailhead. He said he would give us a ride in his safari vehicle to the South side of the lake after he dropped off the clients to help cut down on some of the walking.

Michelle and I were excited to receive his offer, so we sat waiting like little kids at Christmas for his return. When the guide got back, we climbed into the seats and we starting driving. It was a really cool experience to ride in the safari vehicle. It felt like you could see for miles! I had a huge smile on my face for the whole drive (about two kilometers); I couldn’t believe we were getting a ride like that.

The guide took us to a juncture in the road. He explained, “Take this road here and stay to the left. You will come to a river. Look for the raffia-branch ferry to pull yourselves across the river. Try to follow the edge of the lake on the other side and it will lead you to the ocean.” We thanked him for the ride and directions, and we continued on our way.

LEG 2: …Over the River…
We found the trail at the end of the road. The route to the river was pretty simple and direct. The river’s edge was marshy and lined with high, undisturbed grasses. It was clear that this was not where the ferry crossed. The guides had shared that the raft would be off the beaten path and used only by those who lived along the river’s edge, so we turned to the North and followed the smaller path upstream hoping to find the crossing. After a little while, the ground became more firm and defined. Finally, we found the raft.

The raft was a little longer than a queen-sized bed, but just as wide. It was attached to both ends of the shore by long ropes. To cross the river, we had to fetch the raft by pulling on the rope that stretches between our shore and the raft. Once the distance was closed, we stepped onto the raft and pulled a separate rope, which will brought us to the opposite shore.

The Rafia-Branch Ferry

There were some boys fishing on the other side of the river when we got there. A few of them were kind enough to pull the raft to our side and hand over the rope. Michelle and I boarded the raft, pulled on the rope, and crossed the river.

LEG 3: …And Through the Woods…
As we continued alongside the lake, we passed a herd of cows grazing near the water. Some of the cows were even out in the water (something new for me to see). Michelle asked the herders if we were heading in the right direction. Considering the language barrier, we took their nods at “ulwandle” (meaning ocean) and pointing to mean that we were going the right way.

After the lake, we wound our way through a wooded maze of trails and roadways. Michelle and I left markings in the sand whenever we came to a fork in the trail so that we would know how to find our way back. We could tell we were getting closer to the ocean because we started to feel a change in the temperature and, eventually, we could hear the sound of the water. We did feel discouraged a couple of times because we kept expecting to see the ocean after making a few turns, but it wasn’t there. With the little life left to the battery on Michelle’s phone (we didn’t have electricity the day before so she wasn’t able to charge it), we found our location on a map. The ocean was definitely within reach. Thankfully, we passed a couple of children who pointed us in the right direction and there were a few, sketchy signs that we didn’t expect to see that helped us.

We passed a campsite that we knew was near the ocean, because the guides had told us about it. This meant that we were nearly there. We walked a little farther; we could smell the salt of the sea now. Our excitement was growing.

The Thicket before the Ocean

We turned the corner, walked through some trees, and, through the thicket, we could see the blue of the ocean. Our pace quickened as we came out of the trees and could see the ocean stretched out into the horizon. We made it! After walking for 3.5 hours and traveling around 20 km, we had arrived at the Indian Ocean.

HALFWAY: The Indian Ocean!
It was beautiful. The waves were lapping on the shore. There were a few fishermen with lines in the water hoping to catch some kingfish. We walked along the shore mesmerized by the water and enjoying the breeze.

A Grand View of the Indian Ocean

Michelle and I ate our lunch; after walking so far, we were famished. Michelle was feeling a little anxious about the timing and was eager to get back on trail. However, she could tell that taking the time to enjoy the beach was important to me so we decided to sit a little longer to take in the moment.  We made ourselves comfortable in the sand, and I closed my eyes for a bit while I listened to the waves.

Waves Crashing Upon the Shore

I told Michelle that I wanted to stick my feet in the ocean before we left. We took off our boots and walked to the water’s edge. The water felt refreshingly cool. We walked parallel to the shore to the spot where we entered the beach, snapping pictures along the way. As we neared the entrance/exit, we saw a familiar face standing there – it was George, the guide that we met at Kosi Lake! He saw us walking up from the water and, with a huge smile on his face, he ran down to meet us halfway. He was amazed to see us because he was impressed that we made it. We tried to make him laugh by telling him it was because of his directions.

Michelle's and My Feet in the Ocean

George asked us how much longer we planned to stay on the beach. We told that we were on our way out now because we need to get back before dark. He told us that if we were willing to wait another hour he would give us a ride in his boat back across the lake because there were plenty of seats. Michelle and I couldn’t believe our ears. It was too good to be true. We happily accepted his offer. The guide told us that while we waited there were sea turtle nests we could view on the beach. (Note: sea turtles are one of Michelle’s favorite animals). He told us how to find the nests and he set us loose. We found a few nests along the beach, and we were careful not to disturb them.

Low Tide at the Ocean

Finding ourselves with some time to kill, we sat down in the sand watching the water. Before long, dozens of crabs starting poking their bodies out from beneath the sand. The crabs with their little fire red shells and claws cautiously cleared sand out of their homes. It seemed like a futile endeavor considering that their homes would be underwater when the tide came back in.

A Crab Poking Out Its Head from Beneath the Sand

LEG 5: The Journey Home
After an hour went by, Michelle and I, along with the guides and their clients, boarded the boat and headed back across the lake. Like when I was on the safari vehicle, I couldn’t help but smile as we sped over the water. I couldn’t believe this was happening.

We made it to the other side of the lake and docked the boat where we originally met the group. We helped the guides carry some of their equipment back to their truck. They all climbed into the truck, we said goodbye, and they drove off. Michelle and I laughed and reveled in the experience we had just had. After a couple of minutes, we started walking so we could get back home.

LEG 6: The Detour
Along the way, we saw a house in the distance that we recognized from a photo a fellow Peace Corps Volunteer had shown us. He told us it belonged to a friend he and his wife had made while they were in our shopping town. I saw that there was a truck parked outside the house and there were people sitting on the porch. Michelle said, “How funny would it be if those were our friends up there!” We hadn’t walked more than a few steps before, lo and behold, we heard the people from the porch yelling our names. We turned and looked in their direction and we were overjoyed to see our friends waving their arms.

We detoured from the trail and meandered up to the house. Our friends had huge smiles on their faces and gave us big hugs. We were all amazed to see each other. They introduced us to their friends who were quick to invite us to dinner. It felt great to sit on the porch, sip a nice beverage, and overlook the lake we had just came from. After the sun set, one of the new people we met told us to listen closely. As we listened, we could hear a deep noise that sounded like a low foghorn. She told us the sound was coming from hippos – so cool! It was too bad we couldn’t see them.

After finishing dinner and chatting some more, our new friends drove us back to our house. Michelle and I walked inside, looked at each, and simply said, “What a wonderful day.”

Post-Script
In reflecting on our journey to the ocean, a couple of lessons/reminders stand out. First, it was our trust in each other and listening to our needs that allowed this day to be truly magical. If I had not compromised with Michelle to stop in at Kosi Lake, we never would have met George and would probably have failed in our journey. If Michelle had not compromised on the time we would start walking home, we would have missed George again—and missed out on the sea turtle nests, the dancing of the crabs in the tide, and the generous ride across the lake. This was a nice reminder of how beautiful it can be when we slow down and listen to one another.

Michelle & Me Standing on the Shoreline

Secondly, seeing the ocean wasn’t the only amazing part to the experience, though; it was getting there and back that truly made the experience exceptional. It’s often said that the journey is more meaningful that the destination. In our experience, it couldn’t have been more true. A month ago, we made it happen. We walked to the ocean. And it was as breathtaking as we hoped it would be.

Ch-ch-changes!

Hey fam & friends!
We wanted to take a moment to update y'all on a few recent and (potential) upcoming changes for us.

Upcoming Changes:
A few weeks ago, the PC staff decided to tell us the region they will be placing us in! Whoot!

(Pull out your South African maps!)

We learned that we will be placed in the easternmost part of the country, near(ish) to the border of Mozambique and the Indian Ocean. In fact, the ocean will be just a few hours’ walk away! Our home sounds large enough to comfortably host visitors (hint, hint)!

(Note: I am being intentionally vague about our exact location on the blog, but am hoping to give you an idea of what our life might look like. If you are a family or friend who wants more information to plan a trip to visit, check the facebook group or send an email.)

Here are the rumors we have heard so far:

• This region will be very HOT (80F in winter and 110F in summer)
• It will likely be very sandy
• There will be lots of wildlife (monkeys, hippos, snakes...)
• We will take regular malaria medication
• It will be beautiful! and amazing! and happy!

We are excited to enjoy amazing fresh fruit, which our region of SA is known for, and sandy walks through our village. We should have amazing calf muscles after two years! We will be in a low-risk malaria area, so we plan to incorporate mosquito nets into our home décor.  Joe will be on the malaria meds that can make your dreams super vivid, so I look forward to hearing about the creative stories his mind will make up at night. (Don’t worry, mom, I will also be taking malaria meds. Mine will just be less interesting.)

We have been placed at different schools (as is customary for married couples). It is also customary is for the male-person of the couple(**) to be placed in the school that is further from the home. Therefore, my walk to school should be approximately 500m; Joe’s will be around 2-ish km. We aren’t sure what grades we will teach, but we expect our class sizes to be between 30-40.

We are very close to our shopping town. I am not yet sure how that will impact our experience, as we were anticipating being further away. We are also very close to many other volunteers in our cohort, which I hope means that we will have slumber parties and potlucks! J

(**)Currently, South Africa is not hosting same-sex couples. Though, I am excited to share that Peace Corps is taking steps to make the first ever same-sex placements! Certain countries are undergoing additional training to support these volunteers in inclusive, safe, and appropriate ways. Read more here: http://www.peacecorps.gov/media/forpress/press/2238/

Speaking of the Peace Corps Magazine, check out these highlights in the most recent issue. You might recognize two of the universities!

University of Washington Tacoma – This highlights the program developed with my colleague, Tracey, this past year: http://www.peacecorps.gov/media/forpress/press/2323/ 

Pacific Lutheran University – This is the university where Joe worked and supported many students through the Peace Corps application process: http://files.peacecorps.gov/multimedia/pdf/stats/schools2014.pdf

Recent Changes:
There has been a PC South Africa tradition in recent years that trainees cut or shave their hair, partially because it is very difficult to wash long hair in a traditional bucket bath and partially as a liberation act.

I was not one of the ones who shaved my head, but I did chop a LOT off. Joe, welcomed the trim down. It was his first shave while in country! :-D

Photos for your viewing pleasure...

Caroline and Natural

Mikaila rockin' her new 'do!

Kelsey looks so rad!

Guillermo looked like "Rufio" from the movie "Hook." RU-FI-OOOOOOO!

Joe puts his skills to good use.

Bye-bye hair!

Me (rockin' the cut), Amanda (who did the cutting), and Nicole 

Nihamba kahle!

Patriarchy and Gender Equality

Every country, including both the US and South Africa,grapples consistently with the big societal questions: Who are we? What do we believe? How do we believe society (read: social hierarchy) should be organized?

The US is experiencing these questions within issues such as: equal pay for woman, paternity benefits for men, marriage equality, social stigmas for stay-at-home and for working parents, changing (or clinging to) gender norms, the list goes on…

Although the specifics may be a bit different (for example, same-sex marriages have been recognized in SA for 8 years), South Africa is experiencing a similar push-and-pull between traditional and changing cultural values and gender norms. 

Traditional Roles:

This week, several Zulu men and women have been teaching us about their cultural expectations regarding dating, marriage, and gender roles. For example, traditionally,…

•  A man would pay “lobola” (similar to a dowry) to the wife’s family. This signifies his commitment to her and her family and thanks them for raising such a marry-able woman. Our host mom was surprised that Joe got to marry me “for free!” Further, when the woman goes to live with the man, the woman’s parents lose a laborer.  The lobola signifies a compensation for the loss of her services.
• A woman must listen to the wishes of the husband, including whether she is allowed to work outside of the home.
• A man is expected to persistently pursue a woman. If she pursues him at all, she is too forward. In fact, she is expected to “play hard to get” even if she is interested.
• The woman is expected to do all of the indoor chores (cooking, cleaning, child-rearing) around the house (sometimes, even if the husband has no outside job). This is especially drastic, since most homes are swept and mopped at least every day.
• A man might be encouraged to take multiple wives in order to grow the family name, though this practice is dwindling.
• Gender nonconformity and homosexuality are not socially accepted. To be “out” as trans* or queer may be a risk to your relationships or even your safety.
• Particularly in rural areas, these roles are generally embraced by both men and women. The most common remark I have heard has been, “Why fix it if it isn’t broken?”

I highlight this last sentiment as a gut-check for those of us (myself included) who experience a knee-jerk reaction to this description. This rural community, in general, is not seeking to revolutionize their gender expectations.

It is notable that the only desire for change that I have heard is from men/women wishing to have more involved in the other’s chores (ex: my host brother loves taking care of the baby in the house, a woman disliking to clean, a young boy wanting to learn to cook). To this end, Joe’s desire to cook and hand wash his own clothes garners much interest from the community. :)

Changing Social Norms:

It has been interesting to juxtapose our traditional experiences with popular culture (TV, music, etc) and the social movements I see on the South African news channels. We witnessed the following elements in one night ALONE:

• A protest seeking to provide resources to survivors of rape and sexual assault. Importantly, interviewees were connecting the prevalence of rape to patriarchal values.
• A video clip of a gay pride event.
• A protest seeking to de-stigmatize public breast-feeding. (it was sort of like a breast-feeding flash mob/sit in from what I could gather)
• Non-hetero and trans* characters on a handful of the most popular TV shows (though, admittedly, still portrayed in negative, comical, or stigmatized roles).

As I mentioned, South Africa does have more legal protections and rights for people who are gay or queer.  My host family is shocked to learn that there are places in the US where someone who is gay could lose their job or be denied services because of their sexual identity.

The social tension between traditional and progressive values is very real in both of our countries. It seems, to me, that it will remain in tension for the entirety of each nation’s future.

Quote from Apartheid Museum

...In the meantime, Joe and I will strive to live as authentically and respectfully as we are able to in this country. Although we will likely feel a bit raw from bumping up against gender expectations on occasion, it is NOT our place to impose our ideals and values onto our SA friends and family. We are guests within this culture.

And in those raw moments, we will lean on our family and friends to help us heal and remind us that we can be as revolutionary as we would like to be—but only once we are back within our own culture. ;) :)

Sanibonani, abangani. (I see the humanity in you, friends, do you see it in me?)

A Grand U.S. Road Trip

Fourteen days and 3,890 miles.  In two legs, Michelle and I drove from Tacoma, WA to Lorain, OH and then to Springfield, LA.  There are a few highlights of the drive that we want to expound.  First, it felt so good to see family.  Michelle and I got to spend five days in Ohio visiting my family.  One of the cornerstones of the visit was Stephanie’s graduation.  After years of hard work, Stephanie earned her Bachelor’s degree in Business Administration.  It was so cool to see her walk.  Congratulations, big sis!  Michelle and I also enjoyed eating a traditional Polish meal, complete with paczkis, and trying to polka at the Polish dinner as part of Lorain’s International Festival.

Another highlight of Ohio was simply spending time with my parents, siblings, relatives and a few friends (shout out to Dave Vale, Kathy Petras, Doug Kirk, Adam, Holly, and li’l Tate Trifiro, and Dr. Melampy and Nance).  Michelle and I didn’t have to worry about being anywhere in particular nor set an alarm.  It felt nice just talking, laughing, and being.  Thank you for that!

Along the way, we got to see Erin Vandenburgh get hitched to her boo, Brandon, in Idaho; grab cinnamon roll French toast at Silver Grill Café in Fort Collins, CO with good friends (shout out to Shelby, Tyler, Stephen, Cassidy and li’l Channing, Kate, Cynthia, Emily, Steve, and Amanda); visit with the Dalton’s and stay for breakfast in Omaha, NE; laugh a lot and enjoy scrumptious Chicago-style pizza at Giordano’s with Joe Levy, Brittany, Rhonda, and Ade; spend the night with Michelle’s sister, Anne, and her partner, Justin, in Cincinnati, OH; eat at the delicious Loveless Café and get a driving tour of Nashville, TN with Kari George; have a quick stop in Huntsville, AL to see Michelle’s cousin, Danica, before capping off our drive in Springfield, LA.  In LA, we’re going to spend our last days in the U.S. with Michelle’s family (future post to come).

Driving from Washington to Ohio and then to Louisiana showed us that we live in a very beautiful country.  Several mountains ranges give way to canyons flowing with white water and eventually mellow out to fields of green as far as the eye can see.  America, the Beautiful.  It’s cliché, but true.  Michelle and I were fortunate to get in some cragging in Vantage, WA and touring the Mammoth Cave in Kentucky on our second wedding anniversary, but there were many more places that would have shown to be cool adventures.  New climbs, hikes, white water rafting, and others that we look forward to doing when we get back.  We’ll be looking for others to join us. ;)

We’re growing more excited about our upcoming adventure with the Peace Corps and we’re elated to be going to South Africa because we’ve read and heard wonderful things about it.  In the mean time, we’re grateful to see have seen so many people and we’re honored and humbled to have been able to see so much of the U.S.  By the time we get on the plane for South Africa, we’ll have driven through 17 states.