Advice to Couples During PST

In South Africa, there are two waves of arrivals per year. One wave is in July, when the Education volunteers, like us, come into the country. The other time is in January, when the Health volunteers arrive.

The SA31 Health volunteers have just arrived and started their 10-week Pre-Service Training (PST). If you remember from our earlier blog posts, PST is a pretty intensive experience. Emotions are high; schedules are packed. Volunteers are tired, homesick and possibly legitimately sick from the jetlag and new diet. Anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows that these conditions create the “perfect storm” for arguments and strife.

We’d like to take a moment and send a message from the other side of PST, to give some advice, and to remind you that life will even-out soon.

Couples Survival Guide to PST

1- Sit with Other People at Meals and in Sessions.
This sounds like I am talking about a middle school cafeteria, but trust me on this one. The benefit is two-fold. One, Peace Corps and your cohort-mates might have a tendency to treat you and your partner as a single unit (one cell phone to share when other volunteers get their own, approaching one person to speak for the unit, enforcing gender roles that they do not reinforce with single volunteers). This small act of branching out serves as a reminder of your individuality. In my case, it sometimes felt like my subtle act of defiance…and it made me smile.

The second reason is more interpersonal. Other volunteers have approached each of us to show appreciation for our individual and separate efforts to get to know our colleagues. We are building our own relationships. As a result, we each have our own support network that we can tap into. It is very dangerous to have your partner be your ONLY support in-country. We don’t have to lean as much on each other all the time, which allows us the space to better take care of ourselves and each other. Just trust me, sit at separate lunch tables…

2- Find Time to Process with One Another.
Away from meals and sessions, there is plenty of time where you two can make excuses to be alone together and check in. Go to your room a little early in the evening. Go for a walk after sessions. Take tea time together (side note: I don’t know if this is just in South Africa or if it is a PC global practice, but we had an inordinate amount of “tea times” during our training... these were handy for sneaking a few minutes of alone time with each other to check in). Especially during stressful days or triggering sessions, it is important to stay tuned in to how the other is feeling.

3- Put Aside Your Pride.
There are going to be a lot of opportunities for your pride to get in your own way. Peace Corps service is ripe with moments of vulnerability: stumbling to navigate a new culture (and invariably making mistakes along the way), going to sessions with a clump of greasy hair because you are still figuring out how to bathe in a bucket, getting back test results on everything from language acquisition to skills readiness and trying desperately not to compare your scores. Vulnerability can cause us to puff up our pride and put on our protective armor as a defense mechanism. This can drive a wedge in your relationship and make being in-country incredibly difficult. There were two important reminders that helped us get through these vulnerable/proud moments.

The first is to find a way to take care of yourself when you are feeling vulnerable. This will look different for different people. When I feel vulnerable and proud, I know I need to draw, color, read or journal. During PST, I would go to my room, do one of these things, and get myself in a better place. Joe likes to run, read, or journal to process through his thoughts and feelings if talking isn’t an option. Once I was able to put aside my pride and feeling less vulnerable, I was better able to engage with Joe (and our host family).

The other, perhaps more important, reminder is that you must support each other through both the lows AND the highs. You must find your empathy to celebrate each other’s successes. Nothing can make you feel lonelier than when you have exciting news but you feel like you cannot share it with your partner. The flip side is also true… when you are riding high and the other is not, make the time to slow down, listen, and show love.

4- Have an Open and Continuous Dialogue About Gender Roles
(Of course you can’t have two student affairs professionals give advice and NOT include something about “intentional dialogue” and “social dynamics.” Tip of the hat to SHorner, who I know is lovingly mocking me at this very moment.)

Ahhh… gender roles. Each relationship has its own norms for behavior, chores, and communication. In our case, our norms were influenced by our US context, our shared passion for gender equity, and our personal skills and preferences. Each couple finds a way to make it work… and then you are shipped off to another country and you need to renegotiate/renavigate new waters.

In Zulu culture, there are specific, prescribed gender roles. Women cook; men eat. Men are discouraged from showing affection towards children. Women are expected to play hard-to-get. Men are the head of the household and only do yard-related chores. Women must show reverence towards the men in the house.

If Joe and I operated our relationship in this manner, we would both be withdrawn and miserable… we could not merely assimilate and still be healthy together. At the same time, we must make some adjustments in order to remain effective/relatable/respected in this culture. The stakes and values will change based on your village context and personal needs. Having the discussion helps you to stay well, while adjusting to a new place.

My advice is to talk about it openly and often. What are your non-negotiables? What would make you uncomfortable? Where can you be flexible? How will you advocate/educate when someone confronts you about breaking gender norms? Make your own decisions about what feels right.

So, what does this look like for us? Well, Joe continues to bake (*jokes* I continue to eat ;) ). We wash clothes together, in full sight of our family. I bend at the knee ever-so-slightly when I meet a man in official settings. At functions, I wear the “makoti” pinafore and try to cut veggies without chopping off my hand (if you’ve seen the knives, you would understand). We make our decisions jointly. I make no effort to “prepare” the house for him to come home; much to the dismay/concern of my teacher-friends. Sometimes we teach our friends that there is another way of being. Sometimes we humbly take on a new role. We still find ourselves in awkward situations, but we can stay healthy if we talk through it together.

5- Remember Why You Joined the Peace Corps
This is just good advice for all volunteers. Do not lose sight of what motivated you to join the Peace Corps. What were you hoping to learn? What were you hoping to gain? You knew that this would challenge you, what made you want to join anyway? Although you are serving alongside your partner, this is still a very individual, personal journey.

6- Remember Why You Love this Person
Let’s be real. We all have bad days. We all have bad days with our partners. Things happen and we get angry. That’s just life…

Personally, I am someone who needs a lot of time to have an argument. I do not like to “talk it out” until I have calmed down and collected my thoughts. In the interim, I do my fair share of sulking in a sour mood. I cannot tell you how many times these “sour moods” have been interrupted because I look over at Joe and he is: a) talking confidently on a topic we are both passionate about, b) showing a high level of excitement—usually over something deemed rather ordinary—that can only be matched by an elated puppy, or c) being nerdy and curious.

I sigh and think, “He just gets me…” or laugh and think, “He’s so adorable!” It reminds me how blessed I am to have a partner with his unique strengths and interests and how minor our arguments usually are.

I am teaching myself to seek out these moments. To catch him being his best self, if I may.


PST is quite a beast. Just focus on getting through, taking good notes in sessions, and being kind to yourself and each other. Once you get to site, you will have more flexibility, autonomy, and couple-time.