Advice to Couples During PST

In South Africa, there are two waves of arrivals per year. One wave is in July, when the Education volunteers, like us, come into the country. The other time is in January, when the Health volunteers arrive.

The SA31 Health volunteers have just arrived and started their 10-week Pre-Service Training (PST). If you remember from our earlier blog posts, PST is a pretty intensive experience. Emotions are high; schedules are packed. Volunteers are tired, homesick and possibly legitimately sick from the jetlag and new diet. Anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows that these conditions create the “perfect storm” for arguments and strife.

We’d like to take a moment and send a message from the other side of PST, to give some advice, and to remind you that life will even-out soon.

Couples Survival Guide to PST

1- Sit with Other People at Meals and in Sessions.
This sounds like I am talking about a middle school cafeteria, but trust me on this one. The benefit is two-fold. One, Peace Corps and your cohort-mates might have a tendency to treat you and your partner as a single unit (one cell phone to share when other volunteers get their own, approaching one person to speak for the unit, enforcing gender roles that they do not reinforce with single volunteers). This small act of branching out serves as a reminder of your individuality. In my case, it sometimes felt like my subtle act of defiance…and it made me smile.

The second reason is more interpersonal. Other volunteers have approached each of us to show appreciation for our individual and separate efforts to get to know our colleagues. We are building our own relationships. As a result, we each have our own support network that we can tap into. It is very dangerous to have your partner be your ONLY support in-country. We don’t have to lean as much on each other all the time, which allows us the space to better take care of ourselves and each other. Just trust me, sit at separate lunch tables…

2- Find Time to Process with One Another.
Away from meals and sessions, there is plenty of time where you two can make excuses to be alone together and check in. Go to your room a little early in the evening. Go for a walk after sessions. Take tea time together (side note: I don’t know if this is just in South Africa or if it is a PC global practice, but we had an inordinate amount of “tea times” during our training... these were handy for sneaking a few minutes of alone time with each other to check in). Especially during stressful days or triggering sessions, it is important to stay tuned in to how the other is feeling.

3- Put Aside Your Pride.
There are going to be a lot of opportunities for your pride to get in your own way. Peace Corps service is ripe with moments of vulnerability: stumbling to navigate a new culture (and invariably making mistakes along the way), going to sessions with a clump of greasy hair because you are still figuring out how to bathe in a bucket, getting back test results on everything from language acquisition to skills readiness and trying desperately not to compare your scores. Vulnerability can cause us to puff up our pride and put on our protective armor as a defense mechanism. This can drive a wedge in your relationship and make being in-country incredibly difficult. There were two important reminders that helped us get through these vulnerable/proud moments.

The first is to find a way to take care of yourself when you are feeling vulnerable. This will look different for different people. When I feel vulnerable and proud, I know I need to draw, color, read or journal. During PST, I would go to my room, do one of these things, and get myself in a better place. Joe likes to run, read, or journal to process through his thoughts and feelings if talking isn’t an option. Once I was able to put aside my pride and feeling less vulnerable, I was better able to engage with Joe (and our host family).

The other, perhaps more important, reminder is that you must support each other through both the lows AND the highs. You must find your empathy to celebrate each other’s successes. Nothing can make you feel lonelier than when you have exciting news but you feel like you cannot share it with your partner. The flip side is also true… when you are riding high and the other is not, make the time to slow down, listen, and show love.

4- Have an Open and Continuous Dialogue About Gender Roles
(Of course you can’t have two student affairs professionals give advice and NOT include something about “intentional dialogue” and “social dynamics.” Tip of the hat to SHorner, who I know is lovingly mocking me at this very moment.)

Ahhh… gender roles. Each relationship has its own norms for behavior, chores, and communication. In our case, our norms were influenced by our US context, our shared passion for gender equity, and our personal skills and preferences. Each couple finds a way to make it work… and then you are shipped off to another country and you need to renegotiate/renavigate new waters.

In Zulu culture, there are specific, prescribed gender roles. Women cook; men eat. Men are discouraged from showing affection towards children. Women are expected to play hard-to-get. Men are the head of the household and only do yard-related chores. Women must show reverence towards the men in the house.

If Joe and I operated our relationship in this manner, we would both be withdrawn and miserable… we could not merely assimilate and still be healthy together. At the same time, we must make some adjustments in order to remain effective/relatable/respected in this culture. The stakes and values will change based on your village context and personal needs. Having the discussion helps you to stay well, while adjusting to a new place.

My advice is to talk about it openly and often. What are your non-negotiables? What would make you uncomfortable? Where can you be flexible? How will you advocate/educate when someone confronts you about breaking gender norms? Make your own decisions about what feels right.

So, what does this look like for us? Well, Joe continues to bake (*jokes* I continue to eat ;) ). We wash clothes together, in full sight of our family. I bend at the knee ever-so-slightly when I meet a man in official settings. At functions, I wear the “makoti” pinafore and try to cut veggies without chopping off my hand (if you’ve seen the knives, you would understand). We make our decisions jointly. I make no effort to “prepare” the house for him to come home; much to the dismay/concern of my teacher-friends. Sometimes we teach our friends that there is another way of being. Sometimes we humbly take on a new role. We still find ourselves in awkward situations, but we can stay healthy if we talk through it together.

5- Remember Why You Joined the Peace Corps
This is just good advice for all volunteers. Do not lose sight of what motivated you to join the Peace Corps. What were you hoping to learn? What were you hoping to gain? You knew that this would challenge you, what made you want to join anyway? Although you are serving alongside your partner, this is still a very individual, personal journey.

6- Remember Why You Love this Person
Let’s be real. We all have bad days. We all have bad days with our partners. Things happen and we get angry. That’s just life…

Personally, I am someone who needs a lot of time to have an argument. I do not like to “talk it out” until I have calmed down and collected my thoughts. In the interim, I do my fair share of sulking in a sour mood. I cannot tell you how many times these “sour moods” have been interrupted because I look over at Joe and he is: a) talking confidently on a topic we are both passionate about, b) showing a high level of excitement—usually over something deemed rather ordinary—that can only be matched by an elated puppy, or c) being nerdy and curious.

I sigh and think, “He just gets me…” or laugh and think, “He’s so adorable!” It reminds me how blessed I am to have a partner with his unique strengths and interests and how minor our arguments usually are.

I am teaching myself to seek out these moments. To catch him being his best self, if I may.


PST is quite a beast. Just focus on getting through, taking good notes in sessions, and being kind to yourself and each other. Once you get to site, you will have more flexibility, autonomy, and couple-time.

Recent Highlights: Charlie, Remedial English, & Ultimate Frisbee

1- Charlie
As Facebook or Whatsapp may have already told you, we have had a recent addition to the Harper Kowalczyk family! No one is certain of the breed of any of the local dogs (ex: one teacher said that her dog’s breed is “greyhound”… literally…her dog is grey. Grey. Hound…). We think he is almost two months old, but we aren’t sure. So, he is our little mystery man! His name is Charlie “uMfanyana” Ninja, the Inja (Charlie “Little Dude” Ninja, the Dog).

Charlie!

Life with Charlie has been interesting, thus far. He is wicked smart; he was sitting on command by day two and is nearly housebroken after a week. What makes life most interesting, though, is the response from our community.

Dogs in Zulu culture are not held in high regard. Typically, they are treated like any other livestock—kept outside with minimal attention or guidance. Worst case scenario, they are feared or disliked. Because the majority of dogs simply roam, they often get themselves into trouble by eating chickens or biting strangers. Sometimes this contentious relationship leads to maltreatment of the animal.

Charlie Next to a Nalgene for Size Comparison (age: about 2 months old)

Enter, the two white US-ers, with their new tiny dog that they tote around on a leash. They talk to the dog and expect it to understand. They even pick up its droppings in plastic bags! This is very strange indeed…

The response is typically somewhere between intrigue and fear. Day by day, the community is getting more accustomed to seeing us around with him. I like to think that we are changing some of their perspectives on dogs, but I cannot know for sure yet.

2- Remedial English at Michelle's School
(Written by Michelle)

These first few weeks of school have been quite a roller coaster for me. I will tell you that NOTHING could have cheered me up more than witnessing four different learners seek me out for remedial English help during their break times. These learners are aged 14-16 in grades 6 and 7. Two are learning English as a third or fourth language, as they were previously living in Mozambique and Zimbabwe. All of them are struggling with basic phonics (they don’t know the sounds each letter makes), which impacts both their reading and writing.

It would be easy for these learners to feel discouraged and disengage. But, no! They asked my permission to come to get extra help. Not only did they keep the appointment—they brought friends!

Two Male Learners Studying Hard

The lessons are fairly simple: we practice letter sounds, we run through some sight words flashcards, then, we practice spelling simple words by their sounds. When they get a word or sound correct, I try to make a big deal about it. Then… they get THAT look. That look that says, “I did that! I can do this!” They get that look and my heart melts. I spent 4 years getting my elementary education degree all because of THAT look. That look makes anything feel possible: “If I can do this, what else can I do?!” That look brings motivation, resilience, and engagement into the classroom. I would sacrifice many things if only I can help these young men see their potential and keep finding THAT look… My heart is full…

3- Ultimate Frisbee at Joe's School
(Written by Joe)

On Thursdays, my school holds “sports”, which basically means that some of the educators organize soccer, cricket, netball, or chess. (Netball is pretty much basketball except only girls play and learners don’t dribble the ball. Chess, like any other extracurricular activity, is considered a “sport”. Another example, if my school had a debate team, debate would be considered a sport.) On the first Thursday of the school year, the educator that leads the sports committee turned to me, about five minutes before sports is supposed to start, and asks what sport I’m going to coach. At first, I didn’t know what to say, but I had to think of something fast. I wanted something that didn’t require much, if any, equipment and something that would be fun. Then it hit me… I could coach Ultimate Frisbee! A mentor volunteer offered to give me some Frisbees back in December, so I contacted him and everything was set. (A shout out goes to Shawn McDonald for the Frisbees – thanks Shawn!)

The first sports day was used as an introduction to the sports that would be held. The following week I was surprised to see roughly 50 learners show up to learn how to play Ultimate Frisbee. I showed them how to throw and catch the Frisbee, and then we spent the rest of the afternoon practicing those skills. Each week since, I have taught the learners the rules of Ultimate Frisbee little by little. There are three particular highlights about what I have observed so far:

1. Learners who don’t participate in soccer or netball because they’re smaller than the ones who do play have come to play Ultimate Frisbee. This is cool because it means they have a place of their own.
2. Learners have incorporated strategies from other sports, like passing in triangles or looking back for support, which means they’re picking up the game quickly.
3. The other sports tend to be gender-specific: the boys play soccer and the girls play netball. Last school year, there were a couple of girls who went out for the cricket team, but that hasn’t been the case this year. I’m excited about what’s been happening so far with Ultimate Frisbee because both boys AND girls have been playing together.

A “Rocky” Start to the School Year

Intro/Track 1 ("Gonna Fly Now")
Picture this: on the first day of school, every year, from the time you can remember until you graduate high school, you wake up to the sounds of the Rocky soundtrack on high volume playing throughout the house. This is what happened at my house – EVERY YEAR. Now, some of you reading this might think that that sounds miserable. I would argue the opposite. The start of the school year was a really big affair with my family. My parents made going back to school exciting and fun. Even after I graduated from high school and progressed through college and into adulthood, I have continued to listen to the Rocky soundtrack on the first day of school – partly because of nostalgia and partly because it gets me amped for the school year.

Track 2 ("Redemption")
Michelle and I kicked off the start of this school year the same way my family has done every year – with the Rocky soundtrack. Yup, you guessed right! This means that we’ve started teaching again. The school year started about a month ago. As I was thinking about what I wanted to write in this post, I thought of the childhood memory described above and chuckled at its double-meaning. The first definition you have already read, but the second one depicts the way the school year has started.

Track 3 ("Eye of the Tiger")
The week leading up to the school year, I was busy preparing for the learners: writing lesson plans, creating formative assessments, and detailing my classroom management plan. I was excited to get started because teaching is the primary reason I came to South Africa. I was also nervous because of my desire to be an effective teacher. Having not seen the beginning of a school year here, I didn’t know how one started. Let me lay the scene.

Track 4 ("War")
Educators were required to report to school a couple days before the learners to prepare their classrooms. The educators at my school were excited to go back to school so they could catch up with their colleagues and to see learners, yet they seemed relaxed about starting. I came to learn it was because many of them were able to rely on a bank of lesson plans they created in the past. Since it was my first time teaching, I was creating everything from scratch. This school year I am responsible for teaching English to Grades 5, 6, and 7, so this means I have three preps. Thankfully, they are all in the same subject. Some of the other volunteers in my cohort have preps in different subjects, which can be a lot to manage.

Track 5 ("No Easy Way Out")
Learners arrived on their first day with freshly purchased uniforms and bright smiles. From talking with them, they were eager to get back to school to see their friends and some even admitted to wanting to start learning again. The educators at my school are all responsible for a particular classroom. For example, Mr. Thwala is responsible for the Grade 6 classroom. This meant that the educators spent the first couple of periods setting up classroom rules and distributing school supplies (i.e. notebooks, pens, pencils, etc.) At my school, unlike the schools I attended when I was in grade school, learners are not responsible for purchasing their own school supplies because many of them, frankly, couldn’t afford them. Instead, the school provides those things for them. Further, the Department of Education creates workbooks and distributes them to all the schools within the country. The workbooks align with the standard curriculum, which is helpful for a couple of different reasons.

An Educator Showing Fatigue at the End of the First Day with Learners

First, teachers at my school are responsible for teaching multiple subjects across multiple grades. And because they teach so many classes, they don’t have any planning periods. The expectation is that they plan lessons, grade learners’ work, and create assessments on their own time. (This school year is an exception, though, because I’m here. Educators now have a couple of planning periods over the course of the week because I picked up some of their classes.) Having the workbooks helps cut down on the amount of time it takes educators to prepare for their classes. Second, the workbooks provide educational materials. Resources are limited at my school, so the workbooks give learners texts to read and exercises to complete. Unfortunately, not every subject has workbooks, so some teachers still have to create or find resources on their own.

Track 6 ("Hearts on Fire")
After I frenzy of distributing all of the school supplies, I spent the first couple of days with the learners establishing our own set of classroom rules specific for English class, going over classroom procedures, and conducting a formative assessment to gauge their current knowledge and skill sets. I was able to use the formative assessment to organize learners into heterogeneous groups based on their ability with the idea that a “stronger” learner sits next to a “weaker” who can then help them under my supervision.

Track 7 ("Going the Distance")
The first few weeks have shown to be challenging yet rewarding. Learners are getting used to my teaching style and my accent, and I’m figuring out how to best connect the material with them. Since learners don’t start taking classes in English until Grade 4, there are many who struggle with it. I’ve learned to talk slower and to check in with learners to ensure they understand instructions. More learners are trying to participate in class now than compared to the first week. One of my favorite things is when my Grade 6 class starts chanting, “Work hard, master English!” as I exit the classroom.

Grade 6 Learners

Outtro/Track 8 ("The Final Bell")
In some ways, a month seems like a short period of time and, in other ways, it seems long. Looking back, I can’t believe I started teaching a month ago. It’s difficult to pinpoint specific days because the weeks kind of blur together. As I look into the future, however, the time I have left as a volunteer doesn’t seem that long. Upon reflection, it’s because of the work I want/hope to accomplish. By the time I leave South Africa, I will have taught at my school for 21 months. After one month in, I want to make the other 20 count as much as I can.