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| Our "official" COS (close of service) photo... |
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| ...and our super-fun Peace Corps family photos. |
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We left South Africa and embarked on a beautiful, tearful, magical three week road trip where we were blessed to visit our phenomenally supportive, loving (and patient) family and friends.
We were reminded of all of the "life" we have missed by being far away: little children who are now giants compared to their former selves, babies that never existed before we left, the absence of loved ones who have passed on, the day-to-day living of lives.
It also took me nearly two weeks to fully grasp that, despite it feeling like an awesome vacation, I was not going to be returning to my village, my learners, my host family, my coworkers, or any aspect of the life I left behind in South Africa.
Thus, I ended the road trip feeling very disoriented and lost. My head was spinning with all that was missed, and all that I lived that my family had missed, and all that I would never live again.
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And finally, we arrived in Seattle. I had lunch with old friends. I visited my old colleagues and picked up right where we left off. It felt like, aside from some new faces and a GIANT new building, the two year gap never happened.
At first that felt beautiful, and then it felt...weird
It was weird to have it feel weird... so I wanted to understand why. And this is what I have come up with so far...
I do not know how I have changed, yet. These two years have been so important and meaningful to me that to even the mildest unacknowledgment (making that a word...) of it feels like a dishonor to all that was lived and all that was shared (between us and our host community), discovered, and sacrificed (by ourselves and our supporters) to make it happen. I haven't taken the time or the space to reflect on all of this and make a new meaning of the world around me, yet. Until then, I feel this weird disconnect between my soul and my body. I don't know the new "me" that I am, and that is terrifying.
So, I feel scattered and unconfident and speak rambling gibberish as my frantic brain works overtime to build connections and pathways around new paradigms and ways of being.
I am working to reflect in stages through my own guiding prompts. And there is one thing that I know after my first journaling session...
i am held.
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| My first reflection product. |
I am held by a community who loves me and will churn out housing options, job postings, and messages of hope when I am feeling down. I am held by the higher powers of the universe (god, goddess, ancestors, whatever label one might use). I am held by my partner who is there for me, ride or die. I am held.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thank you for holding me.
